1. Well you know I am required by law to start with one of my products so let's jump right into the fray with the "Mama Says Fuck A Lot" bracelet. I know we moms are supposed to be all proper and PC and happy mouthed so that our little hellions aren't poisoned by our language and won't run off to spread the potty-mouth disease to all the other 2nd graders. But in my fucking opinion it's much more healing and cathartic in the long run if we don't try to keep all of our shitty feelings inside. So let it out when you need to! Why the fuck not?
2. If you've got young 'uns still running around the house you know how excruciatingly long a day can be. Especially when it's a Monday. So as soon as you hit the carpool pick-up line phone ahead for your drinky to be waiting for you when you get home. And have it in your special mommy drinking glass. Mommy don't need her vodka in a shot glass or a tumbler- nuh uh. Give it to her 16 ounces at a time!
3. While we're on the subject of carpools- it's a fact of mom life that you are going to spend a helluva a lot of time carting your spawn back and forth to school, doctors appointments, soccer practices, and to meet with their parole officers. And that time is going to consist of them screaming at each other and throwing projectiles around the passenger compartment and occasionally throwing up. So what is your only possible avenue to sanity? Controlling the music in the car. So those rabble rousers in the peanut gallery can just shut their damn cakeholes. They can't totally defeat you if you can sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at the top of your lungs while pretending you are wearing a flowy white robe just like Bonnie Tyler.
4. Does momma seem to need to take a little break behind the outhouse to commune with nature every day around 4:20? Well, maybe she would like to jot down some of her deep thoughts in a "Brilliant Ideas I Had While Stoned" notebook. Wait, why does it say "have kids" on page 2? Well fuck, that explains a lot.
5. Got a meeting at school tonight and won't be able to hold out for your 16oz drinky glass you have back at home? Well throw this baby in your purse or back pocket! When the teacher starts talking about summer school and juvie you can pretend to drop your earring and whip this flask out for a quick swig while you're down on the floor. Problem solved. Or at least delayed.
6. It seems like there are laws that require you to feed and clothe them but that doesn't mean that they can come into your goddamn kitchen any old time they want. If you are slaving away over the pot roast and you are tired of them constantly coming in and whining that they are hungry just stop them in their tracks and tell them to talk to the hand. It's subtle, but they may just take the hint.
7. There is only one thing that can put the fear of God in a child quicker than you screaming "Goddamnittohell you little shits better shut the fuck up!' at the top of your lungs. And that is when you get so friggin' angry that you get eerily quiet. And you start to whisper. And their eyes go big and round and they start frantically looking for an exit or for some super hero to swoop down to save them. Yes, they have driven you to that place where you have resorted to your inside voice. Don't make Mama use her inside voice. Just don't.
8. Well, what can I say. You try dammit! It's not your fault that those 4 and 5 and 6 letter words just keep tumbling out of your mouth. So when someone gets all in your face about your language and what a bad influence you are on the kids remind them- you have a heart of gold. And really, isn't that the most important quality you need in a mom? So drink that coffee spiked with whatever you need to make it through and have a Happy fucking Mother's Day!